How To Sing The Blues...

1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line.

I got a good woman--
with the meanest dog in town.

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.

Got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
and he weighs about 500 pounds....

4. The blues are not about limitless choice.

5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillac's. Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.

8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
       Violet
       Beige
       Cheese

9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is all wrong.

10. Where to play the Blues:
    Good Places:
       The highway
       The jailhouse
       The empty bed

    Bad Places:
       Ashrams
       Gallery openings
       Weekend in the Hamptons

11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.

12. Do you have the right to sing the blues?
    Yes if:
       Your first name is a southern state--like Georgia.
       You're blind.
       You shot a man in Memphis.
       You can't be satisfied.

    No, if:
       You were once blind but now can see.
       You're deaf.
       You have a trust fund.

13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.

14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues beverages are:
       Wine
       Irish Whiskey
       Muddy Water

    Blues beverages are NOT:
       Any mixed drink.
       Any wine kosher for Passover.
       Yoo Hoo (all flavors)

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death, if you die during a liposuction treatment.

16. Some Blues names for Women:
       Sadie
       Big Mama
       Bessie

17. Some Blues Names for Men:
       Joe
       Willie
       Little Willie
       Lightning

Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

18. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit).
       Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic etc).
       First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi).
       Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc).

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